just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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