i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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