You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Someone came in the potted fern
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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