On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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