Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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