how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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