I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
