Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
