you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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