I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My penis needs a shock collar
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
