I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Maybe he injected his testicle?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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