Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The air was thick with penises
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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