I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
