So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
