i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
