i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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