When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
