I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
