How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
