Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
