Cold hands, warm shart.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
