In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
