I just cut my nipple shaving
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
