this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
