Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
