I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
