mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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