I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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