I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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