Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
