Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
