You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
