i love accidental penises.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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