Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
it was like eating out sand paper
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
