Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
