Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
