shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
