i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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