what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
