Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
