I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize