Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
