On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
