i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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