after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
