can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You smell like a Billy Joel song
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize