the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
