i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
