Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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