there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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