You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
