Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
and i looked up. we had an audience...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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