Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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