girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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