yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
