my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
