I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
