i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
