when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
