saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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