also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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