this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Boobs speak an international language.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
