Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
