This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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